I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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