I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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