I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
