I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
