My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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