Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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