I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
