He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
