Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
