if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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