Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
