On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
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It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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