at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
