Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
