She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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