xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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