My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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