I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
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It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single