you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
