I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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