great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
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