Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
