I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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