i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
