God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
