her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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