Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
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Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
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Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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