My liver just broke up with me...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
