She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour