Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Of course I have a pirate flag
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
