woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
