I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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