you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
