My brain says no but my pants say off.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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