I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
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When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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