Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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