Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
