I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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