i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
