Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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