The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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