Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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