you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
