I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
