We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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