Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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