i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
