I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
