Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
