put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
