So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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