yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
