Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
