Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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