It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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