We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
