I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
