Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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