I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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