Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
