are you so shy because you have an std?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Randomize
